--Baking A Little Muffin--: May 2012

I needed to take a pregnancy test before I started Provera to give me a period before I start the pill for IVF.

Negative.

I figured it would be but I had hope. I hoped I would be one of those "miracle stories" that got pregnant before they started their IVF treatment. The night before I tested Josh was so excited and optimistic. It *pained* me to tell him that it was negative. I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I've seen maaaaaaany negative pregnancy tests and you know what...I am not immune. This last one before IVF was just as hard as my first negative test. But this time when I threw that dumb test way I took a deep breath and said "next time".

I wanted to post here on my personal blog because it's been so long and it feels good to just write whatever I want and not have to worry about what family thinks. I know the people who read this blog love me no matter how I feel or whether I'm in a good mood or bad mood.

My sweet dear friend Tenisha (who has a baby on the way!!!! Woohoo!!) told me the other night that I had so much hope in my voice and some other super sweet things...just moving forward I suppose. I said "really?! I guess I should go back and read some old posts" haha. I know it's true, I have been more hopeful and optimistic. Everything has gone so smooth ::knocks on wood:: planning IVF and we love our new RE/clinic. I'm so thankful, things are going so well.

But what Tenisha and many others don't know is that though I may seem hopeful and optimistic I am constantly having to control my thoughts. It takes soooooo much for me to just stay positive. Hope is truly all that I have and I'm clinging tight. Every time (which is a ton) that I have a negative or fearful thought, I make myself so "nope, not me. My story will end differently". It's not easy, it's hard work to be optimistic. It's easy for Josh and it may be because his life has been so great and easy...up until he got his MFI diagnosis last November. He'll be the first to say that too.

I've had many roadblocks. Many crappy things happen. When I found out that I would have problems getting pregnant I rolled my eyes and said to myself "figures".

But.

I also realize that "things" that happen to you do not determine how you have to live. I get to chose how I react. I also try to remember that somebody else has it worse. There are millions of people going through infertility. I am not alone. Not just IF either, just pain in general. Fear and worry. But you know what they say "worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you no where".

So here I am this morning.

Provera the magic pills wait.

We're old buds, Provera and I. Out of my 20 months of TTC I've had 7 periods. SEVEN. One of them I managed to do on my own and ovulate. That cycle ended on it's on CD 100. My longest cycle was the first one, that beast ended on CD 124.

Luckily I respond very well to Provera. I take 1 pill (10 mg) for 10 days and then my period usually comes 4 or 5 days after my last pill. Side affects (effects? I think it's affects) are very minimal. After about 5 pills in I start having hot flashes at night. One time I woke up with my back soaking wet. Oh and I just bit Josh's head off and I just took my first one about an hour ago...so maybe I'm a little moody. But hey...wouldn't you if you never get a freaking period. It's like that SNL skit lol.

So here we go. Once Aunt Flow comes then I'll go in for my baseline ultra sound with Dr. G and then start birth control pills on CD 3. I'll be on those buggers for about 3 weeks then start injects ::gasp!!!::

Let the raging hormones begin!!!!!!!!