wordless wednesday

O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A

I'm from OK originally but now I live in KS. My mentors/the most amazing people in the world live there now (they lived in OK too then moved to KS now back in OK...yeah that's a lot of moving ;) ) and I'm going to visit them for the weekend. I haven't hung out with them in a while which makes me sad. I cannot tell you how much these people mean to me. They have been my light in the darkness, umbrella in the rain storm and you'll laugh and cry at the same time talking to them. They entered my life when I was 11 and I knew from them on that they would always be apart of my life-and one day my children too.

They were my youth pastors when they were in OK, then betrayed me and moved to KS to youth pastor there. I came up summer 2002 and met a cute curly headed kid named J (now Mr. Muffin). They liked J and this made me jealous. J would tease me that they loved him more and I to this day still disagree. We were able to do youth ministry for a little while together and then they moved back to OK to start an incredible church there. I'm talking life giving, real move of God people. I wish that church were here, actually I wish it were in Denver :)

Those mentors married J and I and we are all still very close. We don't see or talk as much as I wish we did, that can change. It just takes a phone call, unfortunately we use facebook to stay in touch now a days. Sad.

So, I'm off late tonigt for a weekend with them, I'm very excited. But first I have to watch our Jayhawks win their Sweet 16 game and get ready for the Elite 8! Have a great weekend followers xoxo

60

I was dreading today-it's CD (cycle day) 60. Anyone who has PCOS, irregular cycles and/or anovulation knows what that means. Provera. Yep, time to start a new cycle again with a few magic white pills. That means I have yet to start my period naturally nor ovulate since being off BC ::sigh:: But even on BC, that wasn't natural-I was still on a hormonal substance.

I am actually going to hold of just a little while before I take Provera though, I have my yearly exam in a week and I don't want AF to be here during that time ;) Also, I've had EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) for the past 2 days which is awesome. My temp has been up for those 2 days so I'm hoping something is happening (when I say something I'm referring to me ovulating). I'm believing that God is working on my body and hormones as we speak. Tonight during our small group my boobs were hurting so bad, of course all I could think about was either AF or O. Either one would be a welcoming sight at this point. I am not going to get my hopes up, I'm really not thinking about baby muffin right now (sorry baby). I'm very much focusing on receiving healing in many areas in my life from God. I'm dwelling in his peace and love. I'm good with just being with Him, I like it here. This is where things happen.

So I wanted to post some good news, that's right I said GOOD news! J and I have been trying to refinance our house since Sept 2010. Ironically that's the same time we started TTC. As a matter of fact-I applied for the refi on Sept 21st, the day AF came from being on BC. It was my last "pill" period. Maybe this is an omen ;)

Ok, this has been a MESS!!! We have been working so hard for this refi and we were approved with no problem then our loan officer just forgot about us apparently. Then tried to tell us this Jan that we weren't able to get the rate we were approved for b/c it's been past 90 days (not our fault), his co worker broke his leg (not our fault but good try)...yada yada yada. Nope, we weren't having any of his BS. Long story short, J called his boss in St. Louis and got everything squared away. Crazy loan guy called me today and asked if we could close and sign the papers this Friday. WOOT WOOT! Blessing in disguise b/c now we don't have to make an April loan payment which is awesome b/c we owe a ton on our taxes. Perfect timing-as hard as that is for me to say.

I feel like when I do get pregnant and have baby muffin, J and I will look back and say-"wow that was perfect timing". It's not easy to be patient and wait for something that you want so badly and have already be waiting so long for. We've been married 5 1/2 years and I've been tapping my foot about starting a family. Finally we're both ready and when I stopped BC I wanted a baby then! But-it's not about my timing, it's about God's timing. It has been really stressful and frustrating with this refinance, but if we would've closed on it in December we probably would've spent that "free loan payment" pass on Christmas stuff. I don't know, J and I are pretty good/smart with $. I probably would've bought him a gun he's been wanting for so long or he would've bought me a necklace that I've been lusting after for 2 years. But right now we NEED that extra money for our taxes. So thankful-God knew. I am learning to be patient. It's not easy, it takes one day at a time. But I'm convinced the reward will pay off. In the end, we'll say "that was perfect timing".

and the thunder rolls...

It's so appropriate that tomorrow is the first official day of spring and we're having our first thunderstorm of 2011. It's awesome and I'm so glad that I'm able to be home and enjoy it in my pj's (it's 1:30 don't judge) and lay on the couch watching basketball. It would be the most perfect day if J was here though. Dumb work!

Thunderstorms in the midwest are amazing. It's incredible to watch a storm roll in across the wide open plains. I love going to J's parents when it storms, they have the best view. Just sitting here listening to the thunder and the rain hit the window is so relaxing. The cars drive by and make that "woooosh" sound. mmmmm, good.

My life right now feels like I'm in the middle of a thunderstorm, however I find no beauty in it what so ever. I'm not in any way just referring to the whole TTC (trying to conceive) process either. My heart literally hurts, is it possible to hurt so bad that you can't even cry? I just feel numb to what happened last night, I don't even know how to process what happened. Things will never be the same.

I feel like I'm in a mourning process, as if I've physically lost someone. I didn't but it almost feels as if I did. I'm sure that relationship is now dead so I guess I can mourn that. Right now I feel like I'm in a raft in the middle of the ocean with no direction or communication line. My only hope right now is that I know what happens after a thunderstorm. Things calm down, the rain waters the seeds and grass grows, flowers grow and the trees bloom. And guess what-there is a rainbow.

leap of faith

I do the quote of the day on TB. I enjoy it-even if it's just for me. Some days I find ones that really move me and just capture my heart. Today was one of those days. And if I'm feeling fancy I even find a pic to go with the quote. I know...I'm cute ;)  Here is today's quote and pip:

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

-Thomas A. Edison 

...the continued

So I thought I'd finish what I posted on Saturday. Where did I leave off...oh yeah, I took my last BCP in Sept and assumed it would take a little while to regulate blah blah blah.

124

That's how many days my first cycle lasted. Yep-I know, I wish I were kidding too. It finally ended by me taking Provera. Most women take Provera once their cycle gets to 60 days, but it was a really hard decision for me. I don't know why, I guess I just felt defeated and I was throwing the towel in. I just wanted my period to come on its own so badly. I didn't want to have an anovulation cycle. I look back now and regret not taking Provera sooner-oh well ::sigh::

So my period came on Jan 23rd (something like that), I WAS SOOOOO HAPPY!!! I woke up and had horrible cramps and just knew AF (aunt flow) had arrived. She was welcomed with opened arms too! On CD 3 I went in for blood work to test for PCOS and to have a pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound. The US tech was so sweet and shared her TTC story with me-she had PCOS and was at the time, 4 months pregnant :)

On Feb 7th Mr. Muffin and I had a consultation with my Dr to go over my BW and US report. It was what we had expected all along, PCOS. Luckily b/c I had a feeling, I (and J) had already done a lot of research and put on our brave faces. Dr B said that my hormones weren't off the charts crazy but they were a little off, apparently enough to cause me to not ovulate=no baby. I'll talk more about PCOS later for my followers who aren't really familiar with it.

So here we are, today is like CD 52 and no ovulation again so far for cycle 2. Sucks. I'm heartbroken, I'm confused, I feel like God is angry at me. I am a little angry at God too, my sister got pregnant at 16 and had all 3 of her kids before she was 20. REALLY??? Life isn't always fair my friends. Some days I feel good and like I can overcome this, some days (today) I feel like I am running on a treadmill with no end in sight.


Dr B wants me on Clomid but I am not ready for that and I probably won't be for at least another year. I am willing to give my body and mind time to do this on its own. I am trusting God for a healthy pregnancy and baby...when He is ready (that is hard to say). So here is the P*L*A*N of attack. Acupuncture! I'm very excited about it, there is a lot of positive research and success with acupuncture for women with PCOS. I'm praying that it helps me ovulate and helps my hormones mellow out. So, I think that should catch you up to date. 


Thanks for reading and following me. I am enjoying blogging, I'm finding it to be quite therapeutic. Any prayers and positive vibes to my ovaries/endocrine system are much appreciated.


xx
bran

::tap tap:: Testing 1 2 3...is this thing on?

Well here it is, my highly anticipated B-L-O-G! Hope you're happy Heather ;)

I'm not really sure how to blog or what to say. So I'm sorry in advance if I don't update very often. I am going to try to update at least 3 times a week. I have a lot to say and usually when I start to write it's hard to stop. I won't always talk about me baking aka baby making. I hope that's ok...if not find a new blog to follow (but please stick around,  I'll try to make you laugh).

A quick run down of me. Hi, I am Bran ::waves:: I am 24 and have been married for 5.4 beautiful years to my very best friend and sexy man, J. Do the math and I got married at the sweet age of 18 ::gasp:: almost 19. I do not suggest it, it's work but it has worked for us. We were ready and we knew getting married young was crazy so we decided to wait to have babinos. We always said we'd wait 5 years and we did! In that time we have had a blast just being us. We have a dog-Luke and we own a house and love love love mid century modern design. We love to travel and have a heart for San Francisco and hope to one day live in CO. I love kids-love! I have always wanted to be a mom and I can't wait for that day when I hold each one of my children and rub my lips on their oh so soft baby hair.

As a teenager, I had very irregular periods and they were extremely painful when they did come. I would only have about 3 or 4 a year. It never occurred to me that it would affect me someday trying to make a baby. I counted myself lucky that I only had a few periods-it saved money! My mom has always been irregular so I just figured I was built like her. She had 4 healthy kids so I never worried about it.

Well I took my last birth control pill on Sept 18, 2010 in Omaha, NE while visiting mine and J's best friends. It was a very happy moment. I felt so much freedom, excitement and fear of the unknown. My period started on Sept 21st and CD (cycle day) 1 cycle 1 began. I figured it would take a while for my body to regulate but I had no idea what was ahead. Let the roller coaster ride begin.

This is getting really long so let's say "to be continued"...