and the thunder rolls...

It's so appropriate that tomorrow is the first official day of spring and we're having our first thunderstorm of 2011. It's awesome and I'm so glad that I'm able to be home and enjoy it in my pj's (it's 1:30 don't judge) and lay on the couch watching basketball. It would be the most perfect day if J was here though. Dumb work!

Thunderstorms in the midwest are amazing. It's incredible to watch a storm roll in across the wide open plains. I love going to J's parents when it storms, they have the best view. Just sitting here listening to the thunder and the rain hit the window is so relaxing. The cars drive by and make that "woooosh" sound. mmmmm, good.

My life right now feels like I'm in the middle of a thunderstorm, however I find no beauty in it what so ever. I'm not in any way just referring to the whole TTC (trying to conceive) process either. My heart literally hurts, is it possible to hurt so bad that you can't even cry? I just feel numb to what happened last night, I don't even know how to process what happened. Things will never be the same.

I feel like I'm in a mourning process, as if I've physically lost someone. I didn't but it almost feels as if I did. I'm sure that relationship is now dead so I guess I can mourn that. Right now I feel like I'm in a raft in the middle of the ocean with no direction or communication line. My only hope right now is that I know what happens after a thunderstorm. Things calm down, the rain waters the seeds and grass grows, flowers grow and the trees bloom. And guess what-there is a rainbow.