a blessing

Today we received a $3,000 donation toward our IVF.

We're currently at $8k...at this rate we might be able to do IVF this SUMMER! Thankful thankful thankful :D

Also, all of my blood work and 2 hour glucose test came back normal. So that's good too!

And one last thing...J and I have started a "public" blog. Together, we're going public with our IF journey. I'm going to try my hardest to keep up w/both blogs. J will also post on the other blog which will be awesome, he's a REALLY good writer :)

We're also going to set up a paypal account and hook it up to our new blog for IF treatments and maybe one day adoption. This will be great for us and for any family or friends who want to help out a little (or whatever they can) to bring little muffin into our arms.

LOTS going on in the muffin household right now. We are making progress, I'm so ready for our 3/19 appointment w/Dr. Kim. Bring.It.On.

Tuesday Tunes and J's SA Update

This was easier than writing it all out.

(click on image to enlarge)

Not such great news. We hurt.so.bad. We have a follow up appointment on Monday the 19th where we'll go over my BW and US results, 2 hour glucose test and J's latest SA results. Until then, we're just crying out to God for some strength, peace and some sort of miracle. Whether it's a miracle BFP or the money for IVF.

Today's Tuesday Tunes is brought to you by Hillsong-"You Are More"

Just for fun

When you wish upon a star...

Let's play catch up!

OK...here it goes. I've tried to write this MANY times. But I always delete it for some reason. Maybe because I secretly hope it's all just a nightmare. Never the less...you faithful follower deserve to know what the heck is going on and how baking a little muffin is going.

I'm just going to cut it to you straight.

We got some devastating news in November that Mr. Muffin has very very very few swimmers. Yup. So not only do we have female IF but now we get severe MFI (male factor infertility) also. HOW AWESOME IS THAT??!?! ::sarcasm::

Normal sperm count should be 20-40 million per milliliter. Most SA's collected are around 2 milliliter so that should be about 40-80 (+/-) million total.

Mr. Muffin's November SA showed .8 million.
Mr. Muffin's December SA showed .1 million (yes, as in 100,000)

Normal motility (forward progression) is around 60%

Mr. Muffin's both times was at 30%

To say we were shocked and rocked to our core is an understatement. We jumped from me doing one round of Clomid to being told that IVF w/ICSI is our only option for a biological child. Here is a quick (less than 2 minutes) video about ICSI.

This past Monday we had our RE appointment in KC. We've chosen to go to KU Med Center for Advanced Reproductive Medicine. Our RE is Dr. Kim and we really like him. I was nervous that I wouldn't understand him very well since he's Chinese, I was just afraid I'd have to ask him to repeat things lol. I wish I could say we got some good news...but really we didn't. I felt so bad for J, after our consultation he had to do another SA. I mean we were just told how craptastic our reproductive organs were and then he's expected to go "do his thing" while I get another ultra sound aka meeting w/the dildo cam.

Last spring, my ovaries showed just a few follicles. But according to Dr. B (my OBGYN) this didn't throw up any red flags. So for the past year, I was under the impression (you know b/c I thought I could trust my doctor) that I had PCOS but did not have polysistic ovaries. (If you're confused I'm sorry, google is your friend). Dr. Kim put the prob in and was shocked to see that my ovaries were completely filled with follicles. Luckily there was a KU Med student in the room so it was cool that he explained things to her and I just laid and listened. He told her to look closely because my little ovaries were uncommon in the PCOS world.

Normal ovaries (that ovulate every month) have 1-2 follicles in each one. Most polysistic ovaries have 10-12 follicles and they lines the edge of the ovary creating a "sting of pearl" affect.

Pretty huh!! Yeah just kidding. Not pretty at all. This is not my ovary but I just wanted to give you an example of what a polysistic ovary looks like. So the reason why mine were a little more rare (according to Dr. Kim) was that one of my ovaries had 15 follicles and the other had 17. YIKES! I was pretty emotional and very shocked. I did have that "string of pearl" look but I had some big extra ones in the middle. My poor ovaries are just full of these nasty fluid filled follicles that can turn into cysts.

Ughhh...it's just so much to take in. We had a IVF consultation meeting and talked to a financial coordinator all in one visit. When we left it was raining and I felt like the Heavens were crying with us. We were dazed-what are we going to do!?!?! We need like 16k to do IVF w/ICSI and we're 100% OOP. The lady who deals with the insurance claims said she would call  my insurance and prescription providers and see if any of our IVF meds would be covered. Every one at the office seemed to really be on our team, which was awesome.

I know this is a long post and I'm sorry. It's just been a crazy few months and I wanted to update you. Tomorrow morning I go in again for a 2 hour glucose tolerance test and more blood work. We should hear back either tomorrow or Monday about J's most recent SA results. I'll go back to KU Med at the end of March to regroup and try to plan an IVF cycle (can't believe I'm even typing that). We're praying we can do it this fall but it might not be until Spring 2013. We're paying everything up front and not putting it on any sort of credit ::sigh:: Dave Ramsey would be proud.

Signing off for now and going to have a bowl of cereal since I won't be able to eat again until 10:30 am tomorrow :)

Tuesday Tunes

Going old school here folks. Tracy Chapman-Fast Car

hilarious!!!

I plan on watching this 100 times before my RE appointment on Monday :)

Elephant in the Room

That was me last night. I wasn’t expecting it to happen-it hadn’t even crossed my mind as a possibility. But there I sat, with my adorable almost 4 year old niece at the library in a room full of kids, babies and parents. A couple of mom’s nursing their babies as little Johnny “Sang, Danced and Learned” and mother watched-completely pleased and satisfied. She should be.

We have an awesome library. I mean one of the best in the country. My MIL works there and is very involved in the kids department. She is super grandma, she’s the grandma every little kid dreams of having. She’s the grandma I always wished and hoped my kids would have. But MIL told me about this program “Sing, Dance and Learn” and suggested I bring Kenzie. I hang out with little Kenz a lot, she’s my God Daughter and my little pal. If you knew me IRL, you’d know that being an aunt is my favorite job. Anyway, it was no big deal. I’ve taken Kenzie to a lot of places and most people probably assume she’s mine. We have good chemistry the kid and I. We laugh, we cuddle, we make silly faces, we love.

I walked into the room at the library where the program was being held and as soon as my eyes saw all those kids and parents I felt like everyone was staring at me. Ridiculous I know. But it was as if they all knew. I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t a mom. This wasn’t my child. I got so hot and just tried to remember that I was there for Kenz and we were going to have fun. After all who could not have fun singing and dancing and learning?!?!

An infertile. That’s who.

It was incredibly painful. I’m embarrassed to even say that. Like I said earlier-it wasn’t even a THOUGHT that I would feel like that. I hang out with kids a lot and I’m usually fine. But this was different. To see tons of kids and babies and mommies and daddies ALL together in the same room…it wasn’t easy.

Strange things happened too. Little boy who I was sitting next to (who was adorably dressed as Batman and even wearing Batman shoes…kudos to that cool mom who let him wear that) would not stop staring at me. First I was flattered that little Batman had a crush on me. Then I was like “WHAT THE HECK IS YOR PROBLEM BATMAN!!!” It’s like he knew. Then we did a circle and all held hands ::gulp:: and little girl (who looked just like Shilo Pitt) held my hand and after the song was over-she would NOT let go. The dad and I looked at each other and awkwardly laughed and I looked at the little girl and said “it’s time to go back to our spots” she didn’t reply but pulled me in the direction of where she was sitting. I used my other hand to pry her sticky little fingers off my hand and walked off. I wish I were making that up-it’s like these kids and parents knew.

I almost lost it. My eyes started to fill with tears and I walked away and found Kenzie sitting patiently by our belongings. I told myself to pull it together and be a good aunt. When the thing was over, the director was mingling around and came to me and introduced herself and said “so which little one is yours?” I said “Umm I don’t I umm…::frantically looks for Kenzie:: this is my niece, I brought her.” Director “Oh well aren’t you a sweet aunt” Me “Oh thanks, it was fun”.

I grabbed Kenzie’s hand and we left.

Elephant in the room. Thank you IF.

                                     

But I do want to say this. I try hard to remind myself to not judge and assume that these little miracles all came easily for their parents. You never know the situation or circumstance. Going off statistics, I wasn't the only one who struggled with infertility in that room. There was most likely someone there as well who had those same feelings. Maybe they were watching their miracle play, dance and learn and thinking "I never thought this day would come". Maybe there were parents in there who adopted a child and it was agonizing to watch those moms nursing their babies. Not necessarily jealous, just hard. Some kids come easily and some kids come with a long road of heart ache and struggle. In the wise words of my stepdad...you just never know.

So though I did feel out of place and wanted to have a pity party for 1, it's important to remember that everyone has a story. Everyone is on a journey. And I'm sure there are times when everyone feels like an elephant in the room.

Tuesday Tunes (and you thought I'd forget :D)