Elephant in the Room

That was me last night. I wasn’t expecting it to happen-it hadn’t even crossed my mind as a possibility. But there I sat, with my adorable almost 4 year old niece at the library in a room full of kids, babies and parents. A couple of mom’s nursing their babies as little Johnny “Sang, Danced and Learned” and mother watched-completely pleased and satisfied. She should be.

We have an awesome library. I mean one of the best in the country. My MIL works there and is very involved in the kids department. She is super grandma, she’s the grandma every little kid dreams of having. She’s the grandma I always wished and hoped my kids would have. But MIL told me about this program “Sing, Dance and Learn” and suggested I bring Kenzie. I hang out with little Kenz a lot, she’s my God Daughter and my little pal. If you knew me IRL, you’d know that being an aunt is my favorite job. Anyway, it was no big deal. I’ve taken Kenzie to a lot of places and most people probably assume she’s mine. We have good chemistry the kid and I. We laugh, we cuddle, we make silly faces, we love.

I walked into the room at the library where the program was being held and as soon as my eyes saw all those kids and parents I felt like everyone was staring at me. Ridiculous I know. But it was as if they all knew. I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t a mom. This wasn’t my child. I got so hot and just tried to remember that I was there for Kenz and we were going to have fun. After all who could not have fun singing and dancing and learning?!?!

An infertile. That’s who.

It was incredibly painful. I’m embarrassed to even say that. Like I said earlier-it wasn’t even a THOUGHT that I would feel like that. I hang out with kids a lot and I’m usually fine. But this was different. To see tons of kids and babies and mommies and daddies ALL together in the same room…it wasn’t easy.

Strange things happened too. Little boy who I was sitting next to (who was adorably dressed as Batman and even wearing Batman shoes…kudos to that cool mom who let him wear that) would not stop staring at me. First I was flattered that little Batman had a crush on me. Then I was like “WHAT THE HECK IS YOR PROBLEM BATMAN!!!” It’s like he knew. Then we did a circle and all held hands ::gulp:: and little girl (who looked just like Shilo Pitt) held my hand and after the song was over-she would NOT let go. The dad and I looked at each other and awkwardly laughed and I looked at the little girl and said “it’s time to go back to our spots” she didn’t reply but pulled me in the direction of where she was sitting. I used my other hand to pry her sticky little fingers off my hand and walked off. I wish I were making that up-it’s like these kids and parents knew.

I almost lost it. My eyes started to fill with tears and I walked away and found Kenzie sitting patiently by our belongings. I told myself to pull it together and be a good aunt. When the thing was over, the director was mingling around and came to me and introduced herself and said “so which little one is yours?” I said “Umm I don’t I umm…::frantically looks for Kenzie:: this is my niece, I brought her.” Director “Oh well aren’t you a sweet aunt” Me “Oh thanks, it was fun”.

I grabbed Kenzie’s hand and we left.

Elephant in the room. Thank you IF.

                                     

But I do want to say this. I try hard to remind myself to not judge and assume that these little miracles all came easily for their parents. You never know the situation or circumstance. Going off statistics, I wasn't the only one who struggled with infertility in that room. There was most likely someone there as well who had those same feelings. Maybe they were watching their miracle play, dance and learn and thinking "I never thought this day would come". Maybe there were parents in there who adopted a child and it was agonizing to watch those moms nursing their babies. Not necessarily jealous, just hard. Some kids come easily and some kids come with a long road of heart ache and struggle. In the wise words of my stepdad...you just never know.

So though I did feel out of place and wanted to have a pity party for 1, it's important to remember that everyone has a story. Everyone is on a journey. And I'm sure there are times when everyone feels like an elephant in the room.