30% Chance Of Rain

I am slightly obsessed with “percentages” lately. Anytime someone mentions a percentage of something I am very sensitive to how they respond to that percentage, like whether they feel like it’s a high or low percentage. It doesn’t matter what it is, it tugs at my heart. It can be any random thing, but I feel like percentages are popping up all over the place right now. Of course I know why, I’m concerned about our chances of bring a healthy baby into the world. I’m nervous about our percentages and weather the odds will be greatly in our favor (yes, I watched the Hunger Games last weekend).

IF is unfortunately constantly on my mind. I try not to think about it but it’s impossible. It is consuming. Being a mother and J a dad is the greatest desire of my heart, how can I not pretend it’s not there?

Last weekend, J and I talked a little about what if the new RE also tells us our embryo quality may be poor? What if he tells us our chances of conceiving through IVF are X% (we never really said a number)? We already know that the chances of conceiving naturally are practically zero, but where do we draw the line for IVF? It’s a lot of money and we feel like it’s wise to set a number/percentage before we visit the new RE.

I’ve had the number 30% in my mind. Not that it’s my official number but its been in my mind for a while. I feel like if we’re told we have less than a 30% chance of conceiving through IVF I would have to reevaluate and possibly close the chapter of birthing a biological child.  We would mourn. That in its self is a whole new post because IF will never leave us. It will always be a part of our lives. We have talked a little about adoption but it is such hard work and a lot of money. But if that is what we're supposed to do then I believe God will provide us wisdom, peace and favor.

Anyway, last night I asked J what the weather was supposed to be like tomorrow (today). He said “there’s just a 30% chance of rain so I’m going to ride my motorcycle to work”. I almost didn’t say anything but I did, “So you don’t think 30% is a great enough percentage for it to rain?” Josh said “no, it probably won’t…it’s a 70% chance it won’t rain”. I just shook my head and took a big gulp. I was sad. He didn’t believe in the 30% chance.

A little bit ago it started to rain. Then the clouds become almost black and it started to hail, thunder and lightning.

It’s not just raining. It’s storming.

I’m laughing and crying now because that little 30% of rain turned into a great big spring storm. Sure, it should have been a nice day…after all it was a 70% chance that no rain would happen. But it did and all I want to do is go dance in that rain and cry.

I love rain today. I love the storm. I love hope today.

I needed that.

{photo credit - google}