12

12 months aka 1 year of trying for a baby with absolutely no accomplishments. No milestones, no victories. I cannot believe it's been a year already. This has been such a hard 12 months.  I'm only on cycle 4 and I feel so cheated. I feel like I haven't earned any of these cycles because none of them have happened naturally. All have been induced by Provera. Today marks cycle day 66 (I know, right) and I'll have to end it again soon with my magic pills (Provera).

So let's see here. Cycle 1 lasted 124 days. Cycle 2 lasted 87 days. Cycle 3 lasted 89 days. So add today's CD (66) and you get a beautiful 366. Most people have 12 cylces a year and 12 ovulations=12 opportunities to start a family. I haven't had one ovulation for those 366 days.

PCOS for the win.

Tonight during dinner Mr Muffin and I discussed what our next step will  be. J is having a hard time grasping the fact that we are going through infertility. He said that the word "infertility" seems permanent. I tried explaining to him that it's not. It's just my current reproductive status. I think it just scares him. Which, honestly, I'm ok with. Not that I want him to be scared but I want him to feel a little of what I am feeling and what I have been feeling for a long time. This feeling (fear, worry, what ifs...) hasn't just been going on for the past 12 months. It's been about three years when my doctor first told my I may have PCOS. She said so causally that I "may have a hard time getting pregnant".

I left the appointment (with no tests ran at that time...just my doctors voice in my head) and sat in my car with my face in my palms filling with my tears. How? Why? It's not fair. I remember telling J when I got home and he didn't understand and said that it would all work out. Good answer babe :)

Anyway, I think J is finally having a reality check. This is good. He needs it, especially since now we're going to be on infertility meds and aggressively trying and planning (sounds so romantic, ehh?!). So this Wednesday, I'm going to call Dr B. and have her fill my script for Provera to end cycle 4 and starting cycle 5 I'll take 50 mg of Clomid.

Trying to stay hopeful and optimistic about it all. I've started Body Flow with a friend and it's been awesome! A great stress releiver and it just feels so good to move my body and really stretch and sweat. I'm going to try really hard to not think about taking Clomid and just go with the flow of everything. Business as usual :)

Take care my friends xoxo