something snapped

Please let me start by saying that I am usually pretty good about holding it together. I love and try to live by the quote "true strength is when you hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart". I try my hardest to stay positive and know that God makes all things work together for His good. But yesterday...something snapped.

For the past two days, I've had low temps and I had a feeling I was going to lose my CH's and FF would detect no ovulation...again. Sure enough, yesterday morning I lost them. No ovulation. I'm now (today) on CD 77. I have not had a period on my own or ovulated since we started TTC. I was bummed all day yesterday but I tried not to dwell on it, I didn't want it to get the best of me. I called Dr B and told her I needed a refill of Provera. She was bummed with me and wished me the best of luck with the new cycle and acupuncture. I thanked her, swallowed the knot in my throat and tried not to cry. Success, I didn't cry.

The day went on and I tried to distract myself from feeling like a failure. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script aka "magic pills". I took this in January to start a cycle that lasted 124 days. That was cycle 1...what a waste. Anyway, when I went to pick it up in Jan, my stupid new insurance with Mr. Muffin was conflicting with my old insurance. It was a mess and I left just paying OOP b/c it was only $12 or $15. I wasn't worth fighting for at the time. I spent over 3 hours on the phone with both insurance companies that day trying to get it resolved. I tried to explain to them that, at that moment of picking up a prescription to make my body "work" is a hard moment. I'm fragile and the last thing I want is my insurance not working. I already feel like nothing else is working. Blah blah blah they tell me it's fixed, they apologize and assure me this will not happen again.

I go to pay for my magic pills yesterday and sure enough...conflict of insurances. I put both of my hands over my face and told myself to hold it together (keep cool my baby...thanks Conan). I asked the dear pharmisist why he couldn't just delete my old insurance in their system. He explained why but really at that point I could see his mouth moving but I couldn't hear the words he was speaking. I could feel my face starting to get hot and knew that I was about to burst into tears. I wanted to scream. I smiled and asked if I could please just pay OOP for my meds and gracefully leave. Oh but I had to have him ring up my waxing kit for my sweet upper lip hair-thanks again PCOS.

I got in my car feeling crushed, defeated, sad, alone, angry, broken. Started my little Honda and drove home thinking I should've stopped at the liquor store. I get home and J walks to me with yellow and orange tulips. He says "Happy Friday" with the biggest, most beautiful smile. I take two steps from the front door and literally fall in to his arms. I cried. Hard. The last time I had a good cry was about 4 months ago. It's not that I don't like to cry, but it just takes a lot for me to cry. I didn't even really cry when all the crazy shenanigans happened with my mom a few weeks ago. But last night I just snapped. I'm glad J was home too. He held me tight, like he was trying to save me from crashing. I screamed, shouted, and sobbed. I just kept saying " I can't do this, I can't do this".

I remember when my tears were done, I just stood there in his arms breathing-but it reminded me of a child. You know how they breathe when they get hurt of something and they try to catch their breath. I can't think of how to describe that sound. But, it just made me realize how much I need J...and God. I can't do this on my own. So, tomorrow I will start Provera. I'll take that for 5 days and then 5-7 days later my period should come. I'm going to schedule my acupuncture appointment for when my period is done. I'm done charting this cycle too. It's been a long 77 days. That little guy deserves a break too. If you read all of this, wow. You're amazing and deserve a nice photo to end on. Happy Spring.

 

{P.S. J had picked up some Bud Light Lime when he was out getting me flowers. That was a goooood beer}